yes it's a big picture i know, but who cares i posted it.
so i never write here, but i still reserve this place as the place where, when i really feel low and horrible, that i just vent out my frustrations. i feel quite safe here in the fact that rarely does anyone read this, and i'm pretty sure that few people i know still go here or will ever know this xanga's still up.
so anyway, i'm feeling really down at the moment for today, but it was just a culmination of alot of things going on. i'm getting close to graduation and to be quite honest, that scares the hell out of me. i feel completely unprepared for the real world, and it's all coming to me how much more i still have left to grow. there is so much i need to do, should be doing, and while i have come a ways from the past, i'm slowly having to come to grips and terms with how far i still have to go. then through my musings, i remembered this picture i found from 9gag. And it hit me personally very deeply because i was like, that's me, as much as i don't want to admit it, that's me. as much as i want to say i'm not, i'm holding onto the past far too tightly, like a scared little child, because that's waht i am. i am unwilling to let go of the past, and my past is telling me to let go, but i'm too scared to. i refuse to tell myself i have another chance, that everything is not over, but i do not want to accept it, and as such i am hurtling towards a destination where it becomes true. It's a very sad way to approach problems, to give up and then when it doesn't work i at least have to comfort of saying "i told you so" to myself. And as much as i can write inspirational words and such, until i really accept it, things aren't really going to change.
The past is very hard for me to let go of, because that's where all my good memories reside. This xanga is a perfect example of it. Xanga has long since died in the eyes of many, since the advent of myspace and then now the uprising of facebook and now twitter, xanga is an afterthought of many. Yet here i am writing this right now purely for the reason of the past. I am still here because of all the posts i have made on here, because i can look here and reminisce, recall the highs and lows, ebbs and flows. My topics here are all the same, because sadly i only ever come here and write anymore when i'm feeling down like right now. I don't even know what to write right now, i'm just spitting words out and hoping eventually this post will take some direction. It's quite similar to how i'm currently deciding to live my life, jsut go with it and hope i end up somewhere. At least i'm hoping that by writing it here and admitting it and thinking about it, acknowledging, this is the first step to change. It's a little late to be saying this, but it's better then hiding from it and never accepting it.
Anyway, now taht i've been completely emo, a bit lighter talks. Because i'm not nearly as sad or down or emotional as i was when i had gotten home. 3 things are a big main reason for that. 1 is my best friend. We've had our moments, but my friendship with her is the longest i've had with anyone period, current or past. The fact we still talk is amazing and i feel is a testament to the bond i have with her. She's one of the few if not only person i fully trust and just feel like anything goes with her conversation wise, and its' really a very relaxing and comforting thought that i can talk about anything. the other 2 are music related, namely H!P and ellegarden. My reasoning is very personal.
I first got into H!P, short for Hello!Project junior year of high school. This was during my sad attempt at being an angsty emo teenager, but one of the reasons i cheered up so much was because of Hello Project. H!P was the first thing i seriously fanboyed, and because of how much it changed and affected me (shut up), it's one thing i refuse to let go of. Many a H!P fan will tell oyu the golden days of H!P are far in the past, but i don't care, i still support them, but at the same time live in the past that amazed me and made me such a fan.
The other is ellegarden. I don't even know how or where or when i discovered ellegarden, but i know it was during their indie days before they got signed to a major record label. I remember just casually seeing a PV of them and out of curiosity googling them. Little did i know how much i would be amazed by them. Ellegarden is by far my favorite and will probably be my favorite band of all time. And just because of the way i am, when i decide a favorite, it's very hard to take that top spot unless it's something really amazing. Like when i watch dramas, it took 5 years for me to change my top favorite drama, and it hasn't changed since i did, which was at least 4 years ago. But back to topic, Ellegarden. Now if you look up Ellegarden, you will find they have not released anything since 2008, they are on hiatus but pretty much it is assumed they will never get back together again. The day i found that out was like the day i learned santa claus and the tooth fairy were not real, it was like a hole in my heart was torn away. I always say this but the decline of H!P and the disbanding of ellegarden tore 2 holes in my heart that will never ever be filled again i feel. It's just how i am to cling and cherish.
Now you may say, it's not bad to cherish such things, and indeed it's not, but at the same time, it's not good to completely ignore the present, which i have a tendancy to do. I have a huge bias to just going day by day, and completely not planning for the future, which is part of teh reason why i am so frustrated. I know what i should be doing, but i don't do it, however this acknowledgement will go a long way in changing that. Again it's just part of the growing up i still have yet to do. I just look around me and think, why do i not plan like they do, why am i so jealous of everyone around me, and know the answer is because they put so much effort, much more than i do, which is close to little. I really do not care nearly as much as those around me do, and it's something i have known for a long time, jsut check my past blog posts where it's all about i don't care enough, or at all.
But it's like this picture says, just stop or you'll regret. It's true, i need to stop, i'm already regretting but i need to stop from regretting anymore than i already do.
yeah pretty much